I have recently been to see both my family doctor and my cardiologist for routine checks on my health status. Both doctors pronounced me to be in good health, which is good news indeed. The psychologist I am seeing for bereavement counseling told me that he feels I am making it through the grieving process as well as can be expected, despite having been married for sixty five years. I generally agree with these assessments of my physical and mental health as I am taking care of my personal needs ok, even though I must force myself into the proper frame of mind by a kind of gymnastics involving my thoughts. It helps if the pressure of time is in play, brought on by the imperatives of a prior agreement to be at a certain place at a certain time.
A definite pattern of behavior is at play within the foregoing words above. It seems to me that I do better when I am actively engaging my body and my mind in some kind of activity that serves as a distraction from the profound loneliness that tends to overwhelm me when I am not active. That is why I believe writing, of the sort the I am doing right now, helps me get thru the day, and nights. The core problem is that I cannot seem to bring myself to engage in my former passions – building models, photography, UPRR history, etc. This is a problem which predates Patty’s death and is the main reason I started seeing a psychologist. Patty’s death gave me added reasons (excuses?) for my lack interest. This lack of interest means I am seemly unable to bring my self to unilaterally solve my loneliness problem by engaging in some formerly enjoyed activity. I find myself reaching out to others to join me in some activity which will serve to distract me from my loneliness. I am reluctant to over engage in outreach as I am sensitive to the need of others to tend to their own welfare. I am trying to solve my problems as best as I can, but it remains to be seen how well I will do. However, I do know I will never be normal again because normal, for me, died when Patty died.