“LONELINESS” IS NOT THE SAME AS “BEING ALONE”


“Loneliness” is looking over towards the place she sat when she was reading, making out her shopping list or just watching TV, and seeing that place empty, devoid of her presence, and feeling the utter finality of knowing she will never again be there, in that place, where she sat so often. It is this sense of finality, the certain knowledge of her death, the absence of her and all the she was to me, that gets to me. I am somewhat a “loner” in my personality traits and I am perfectly comfortable when I find myself  alone. I am able to always find some mental or physical activity that holds my interest and keeps boredom at bay. I must point out, and this a crucial point, that I was never really alone, even when the closest human was miles away, because I was married to Patty and her presence was felt by me always, even when we were physically at a distance from each other. Now I am just alone and lonely – all the time.

I was working towards an accommodation with my depression prior to Patty’s death, with the help of a psychologist, and was making good progress in that. It is now five weeks since Patty died and I am completely unsure of how my feelings of loneliness are divided between depression and grief. I guess it does not really matter that much; I would feel the same no matter what the divide really is. Seeing the psychologist is helping me understand my grieving and how it affects me and he has assured me that my feelings are normal and that I will feel better as time passes. I sure hope he is right.

Published by THE OLD MACHINIST

I am 87 years old and married for 65 years. My wife passed away in 2016. I am a retired engineer and spent 35 years developing INS gyroscopes. I was a High School mentor in physics, a mountaineer, a model builder, a machinist and I have a degree in Physics. My interests include railroad history and photography, science history, cosmology, interesting people, and old engineering drawings. I place a high value on my friendships. I enjoyed my life and I am trying to look forward with a sense of anticipation and curiosity.

PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT; THEY HELP ME IMPROVE MY WRITING

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: