“Loneliness” is looking over towards the place she sat when she was reading, making out her shopping list or just watching TV, and seeing that place empty, devoid of her presence, and feeling the utter finality of knowing she will never again be there, in that place, where she sat so often. It is this sense of finality, the certain knowledge of her death, the absence of her and all the she was to me, that gets to me. I am somewhat a “loner” in my personality traits and I am perfectly comfortable when I find myself alone. I am able to always find some mental or physical activity that holds my interest and keeps boredom at bay. I must point out, and this a crucial point, that I was never really alone, even when the closest human was miles away, because I was married to Patty and her presence was felt by me always, even when we were physically at a distance from each other. Now I am just alone and lonely – all the time.
I was working towards an accommodation with my depression prior to Patty’s death, with the help of a psychologist, and was making good progress in that. It is now five weeks since Patty died and I am completely unsure of how my feelings of loneliness are divided between depression and grief. I guess it does not really matter that much; I would feel the same no matter what the divide really is. Seeing the psychologist is helping me understand my grieving and how it affects me and he has assured me that my feelings are normal and that I will feel better as time passes. I sure hope he is right.