I CRIED THIS EVENING

Patty died two months ago. She died at two minutes past midnight on February tenth of this year.  I listened as she took her last breath and the silence that followed. The loneliness began for me at that instant and this loneliness burdens my every thought. Patty’s presence is everywhere I go, no matter where it is or what I am doing. I am reminded of her by literally everything I touch, every thought I have, even now she appaers in my dreams . Tonight, as I was watching an newborn’s umbilical cord being cut, as part of a PBS drama, I started to cry uncontrollably; I could not stop and my crying lasted for several minutes I am sure. That is the first time this has happened since she died. I believe the crying was good for me as I feel less burdened by my grief and that is a good thing as I hope I will be able to focus less on MY feelings and more on the events of our long marriage and what these events meant to us. For instance, early in our marriage, we decided to limit the celebration of our wedding anniversaries to just the two of us and we used the occasions as times to renew our commitment to our marriage. It worked for us.

Patty took her responsibilities as homemaker seriously and she spent many an hour going to school to strengthen her homemaking skills. She was a very good cook and she was an even better dietitian, She knew how to live within our means even when our income became such that we had plenty of money – no mean feat. She became an accomplished gardener and was an untutored landscape designer of great talent. When we rebuilt the house, she was the driving force behind the design of the rebuild. She had definite ideas about the colors and materials. Patty was able to make us a home. Using her innate talents, she was able to make a house  our home.