It is 5 PM, Saturday, with time on my hands. It has been the kind of day that I have come to dread – too much time to think. Unless I actively think of something else, my thoughts turn to Patty  and the downward spiral begins anew. I am thinking of her now and it hurts me in ways that I could never have imagined before her death. The feeling of loneliness is sometimes overwhelming and fighting against it seems futile to me  – but I am trying my best as I write this. I wonder if I will ever be able to think of our life together without feeling so sad because it has ended. These feelings are made all the worse for me because of my inability to set aside my strong beliefs that the death of a person is the absolute end for that person and as a consequence, no afterlife is possible. I must accept that Patty is just gone – forever. I believe that, but I have not yet accepted it. I do not think I ever will. The hole in my heart is just too large to heal in my lifetime.




I am 89 years old and was married for 66 years. My wife passed away in 2016. I am a retired engineer and spent 35 years developing INS gyroscopes. I was a High School mentor in physics, a mountaineer, a model builder, a machinist and I have a degree in Physics. My interests include railroad history and photography, science history, cosmology, interesting people, and old engineering drawings. I place a high value on my friendships. I enjoying my life and I try look forward with a sense of anticipation and curiosity about what my future has in store for me.


  1. Even though you think death is the absolute end, think of how bad you miss Patty and if there was a way at all possible to see her again, wouldn’t you at least give it a chance?
    What could it hurt?

    If you think that you would do anything to see her again, just try talking to Jesus. Tell him how you feel, tell him you want to feel him, understand how much he loves you and wants you to believe and accept him. Forget your strong beliefs for a few moments and see if you can’t feel his spirit? God is the only one who can help you with the pain of your loss. Accepting Jesus as your savior and realizing that we do have a creator, just maybe you may find your way to see Patty again?

    Wouldn’t it be worth it?! After all, that feeling of love you have for Patty, that overwhelming feeling when something is just so beautiful and touching, it makes you cry. I believe that feeling in us is God. He is the good in us. He wants for us to be happy, loving, kind, generous, to love one another and mostly to accept him and love him back. Think of what a wonderful unselfish thing he did for us, to die that agonizing awful death, so we his creation, his children, the people he loves and forgives time and time again for our wrong doings, (just as you have done with your own children a time or four) so we can be forgiven of our sins and live with him and or loved ones forever. This life on the Earth is temporary, not permanent, but it is in this life here where we decide if we want to live for eternity. And we have to make that choice BEFORE we die, afterwards will be too late!

    Just ask Jesus to come into your heart, they it for a few days or weeks, just to see what happens. Really, really hope and want it as bad as you would love to see Patty again. What could it hurt?

    Also, with all this evil in the world, don’t you think there has to the opposite? Most of the evilness in the world is from many of these people believing in the devil, to get rich or powerful or for what ever reason they accept Satan and lose their souls, their capacity for compassion, kindness and love. Doesn’t there have to be the opposite? A positive force? Ying to yang, good to bad, positive to negative etc., etc. Aren’t we energy? Does energy ever die or stop? Doesn’t it transform?

    And besides, Jesus said, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.”

    I’m sure he would love to answer you, all you have to do is ask and believe.

    1. Also, my heart hurts for you too, I can’t imagine the pain and loneliness you are feeling. It an awful feeling not knowing what to do to try to help someone feel better and an even more awful feeling knowing that there is really nothing anyone can do, for more than a few moments if that? Only time (and God) will help, how much time, no one can know or say, definite though, it’s very gradual. So gradual, you don’t even realized it’s happened for some time. Not that it ever goes away, just gets a little easier to bear. Where at times, you will think back and cry, but . . . . There will also be the times you look back and just smile or maybe even laugh and only have that happy feeling. I hope those days get here for you in the nearest possible future.


Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: