It is 5 PM, Saturday, with time on my hands. It has been the kind of day that I have come to dread – too much time to think. Unless I actively think of something else, my thoughts turn to Patty and the downward spiral begins anew. I am thinking of her now and it hurts me in ways that I could never have imagined before her death. The feeling of loneliness is sometimes overwhelming and fighting against it seems futile to me – but I am trying my best as I write this. I wonder if I will ever be able to think of our life together without feeling so sad because it has ended. These feelings are made all the worse for me because of my inability to set aside my strong beliefs that the death of a person is the absolute end for that person and as a consequence, no afterlife is possible. I must accept that Patty is just gone – forever. I believe that, but I have not yet accepted it. I do not think I ever will. The hole in my heart is just too large to heal in my lifetime.