I am feeling good this morning and I do not have a clue as to why. I am usually feeling very tired and sad this time of the day (noon). One of my doctors thinks I am experiencing “male menopause”. He had me tested for low testosterone and we subsequently found out my testosterone level is about as low as one can get and not be mistaken for a dead person. He has prescribed a testosterone patch for me to try. I will start using them as soon as they arrive in my mailbox. The doctor also informed me my hot flashes should stop. Except for some kind of weird placebo effect, this does not explain why I feel good today. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out the “nuts and bolts” of my lifestyle in an attempt to determine what I should avoid doing in my my daily routine and thus maximize my “feel good” time. About all that I have learned thus far is that it is important that I not eat much meat protein (amino-acids binds with the L-dopa in my Parkinson’s medication), not eat fatty meals, be very punctual with regards to my medication schedule, and pay close attention to my state of mind as I cycle through the on-off periods of my medications. My other doctor has put me on a dopamine agonist patch (changed daily) which seems to be effective in lessening the deleterious effects of the on-off cycles of my Parkinson’s medications. All in all, I am doing better physically, but I have not gotten to a place with regards to my memories of Patty which permits me to do what I need to do with her belongings. Her things are pretty much as she left them the morning she went to the emergency room. The lipstick stain on her coffee cup is slowly fading away, but my memories of her are vivid in my mind. I find myself at times expecting to hear her come in the front door or listen for her in the house as she goes through her daily routine, but the silence goes on.
So, I am doing ok physically, I guess, but I am very lonely. I still miss the physical presence my wife very much and there is no medicine for that. However, the medicines that I have taken and the resulting changes in my mental state have nearly convinced me that what we do and feel as humans is the result of the chemistry of our brains as it exists at any given time. Notice I said “nearly convinced me”. I cannot bring myself all the way to the belief that “we” are just the product of chemical reactions in our brains because Patty is very much alive in the place in my brain that is “me”. I feel her spirit near me all the time and I am trying to find comfort in that feeling. Thus, I find it difficult to believe that the comfort I seek is contained in a bottle of pills. I do not want to leave the impression that I am not thankful for my medications because I am. I recognize that the fact that I am able to tell you this story is largely due to my medications and I am very grateful for that.